about yesterday...

I was a bit upset yesterday, I got a minor crisis...it was small but still a crisis... I noticed everybody eats less than I do and i felt shit, so disappointed in myslef, but the less i want to eat, the more anxious i get and end up eating more.

I watched a documentary and on one hand it had a positive influence, something i saw scared me and that would be a reason to try to recover from the ED (if i really have one!)... on the other hand, the girls bragging (or complaining) about their not eating, or 41 calories a day or one youghurt in a complete weekend made me feel like shit cos i can't. I like and enjoy eating and feel bad about it...

Also the people I know...they eat less then me and i cannot allow that! Life's a competition and i have to win it!

My biggest fear is getting fat, so the good thing of the documentary i watched yesterday was that i got to see a a chick who was very underweight and then she turned to the oppossite, after recovery she became fat... really fat! I really don't want that! I'd rather stay like this (BMI 16,9) than getting to my goal (BMI 12) if then I have to put on weight again... Maybe i'm not eating disordered, I'm just a dieter... whatever it is that i am... i just want to be thin!