http://www.nekobento.com/?page=misowakame

http://www.nekobento.com/?page=misowakame

confused

It's crazy, I know i have to change my diet but i kinda can't... or maybe i don't really want to.... definitely I have to eat less sweets, that's something that i really have to do, tho it is difficult, still, i'll try...

I was thinking about acquiring better eating habits adding mo0re vegetables to my meals, adding salad... turns out i cannot really digest salad, it keeps "coming back" hours after I have had it. I don't like that, so salad is not really an option. it happens to me with many foods, that they keep coming back and i really don't like it;

salad
tomatoes
apples

so i try to avoid them... Yesterday i was craving salad(!!!?) so i had it and also springrolls but not fried, it was like less than 100 calories for every 100 grams (it was put on the package)... hours later and after having had dessert and drink, it kept coming back :(

About the sugar addiction I read one of the tricks to avoid it is eating more often... but i know myself and i cannot eat at work in front of everybody else...

so I'll keep doing as i have been doing til now, just being more careful with the sweets. I'll make a plan for when i am back from vacation, i'm planning on having 2 meals a day , each of them containing carbs (oatmeal, or bread or some other breakfast cereal), protein (quark or cottage cheese or soymilk) and fruit (bananas and berries)... and i'm afraid, something sweet at the end...(just one piece!).

I really have to do it!

change

I need to change my habits, i really need to eat healthier, which meand, in my case less sweets...yestarday i was doing it allright, but at night i ate again 200 calories on sweets :( up to about midnight i had 500...but then 200 more of sweets... i really need to kick this addiction... I'm going on holiday next week, visiting family, so...when i'm back to normal life, in two weeks, i'll try to acquiere better eating habits.... actually it's just 1 change i have to make: eating less sweets...

really?

Do we really need to do that to ourselves? is it necessary to suffer in order to lose weight? to suffer by punishing ourselves up to that point? really? I suffer enough having to diet, suffer enough confronting life, feeling overwhelmed at work with things i feel not able to do! Feeling crap cos at my age i'm not where I would like to be and don't find the strength to change the situation i'm in... no relationship (and given up on them), no dreams, no future... so i turn to my diet to feel better with myself, I achieved something, not enough, that's right, but i have achieved something...but do i need to write about my failure? read how others manage better than me? do i need to hurt myself like that on purpose? do i need to see how people i care for are hurting themselves so much? really?.... I don't think so.... it doesn't help me or anybody whatsoever... support to stick on a diet, support to try to gain self-esteem... sure! support and encouragement to keep destroying myself and help others doing it too... wtf? do i really need this? why? if i want to suffer i should do it on my fucking own! i've done it so many years all by myself, i know how to suffer, i don't need any trigger from the outside cos, believe me i have enough inside my head! making me feel ashamed in public in front of the eyes of everybody? ...that's not gonna help me gaining self-respect, rather the opposite. I cab suffer alone, i do it exceptionally well, i do it so it feels like hell... i really don't need this... if i'm a P.O.S i can deal with it but i don't need to publish it so everybidy knows I am.

I'm fucking done!

october the 7th

Finally some weight loss! not much, but at least something

today I had:

BREAKFAST 1 weetabix+ soymilk 90 // quark+ cocoa 15






DINNER quark+ strawberries 70 // 10gr raisinsroll + chocolate spread 130






SNACK: 1/2 mousse 60// chocolate 60








TOTAL about 440

october the 6th

BREAKFAST:
weetabix + strawberries + soymilk
1 cookie+ 1/6 banana




DINNER:
strawberries + quark
cookie+ banana
chocolate (1 aero)







TOTAL amonut of calories: 460
it's littel but what's it worth if i don't lose weight?! fucking shit!

fucking shit!

I'm really pissed right now... yesterday 440 calories and i haven't droped a single gram. I could kill, makes me feel like giving up!!!!! I've checked and since saturday the 25th it hasn't been a single day in which i had more than 800 claories (last saturday almost tho, i had 770), I'm so pissed, I restrict, and restrict and it's not fucking enough! It used to be much better! what's wrong????!!!!! Life's a fucking bitch!

october the 5th

BREAKFAST: Quark + Weetabix (1 piece) and cocoa... it wasn't that great, a bit to dry...i had to add a bit of coffee and ...well...not really ;P



DINNER:
a tiny slice of roll and strawberries with quark.
Dessert: Chocolate quark (40gr)






LATE SNACK:
1/3 happy hippo
Chocolate ( 1 mini ritter sport strawberry-joghurt)
1 cookie+ frozen banana (a little piece, a sixth to be precise ;))










TOTAL: about 450 (it's not too bad i think... at least i think so now....before i compare myself, lol!)

october the 4th

I was tinking not to post in a while, but someone who is really special for me told me that my blog is kin of important for her, so there i go... not proud, but i have to...it'll help me improve. I haven't photographed everything, i had like one spoon of oats, 2 spoons of cottage cheese... i mean small things on top of what i'm posting in pix, and that's what I have to stop, the "little things on top".

BREAKFAST: Blueberries + Quark


DINNER: Sushi (my favorite meal) and mousse au chocolat for dessert




SNACK: 1/2 mini kitkat, 1 cookie+ frozen banana





TOTAL AMOUNT OF CALORIES: ABOUT 500 to 600

A break?

maybe I need a break. I'm not doing good.... this blogger thing sets me under pressure... it's enough that I hate myself so much about eating... if i post it, esp. with pictures it is a reminder of how bad I'm doing things... maybe i should stop posting pix for a while...i hate myself.

october the 1st

I was really bummed yesterday and didn't feel like posting, nevertheless i took pix, so I'm posting them today:

BREAKFAST: Strawberry Quark



DINNER: Strawberry Quark
Chocolate Quark
2 Giotto
1 cookie






SNACK:
Quark (not pictured, nut it was 30gr, with vanilla powder)
Chocolate mini ritter sport + 2 pieces of "normal" size ritter sport, 14 gr.)
1/4 Milchschnitte







I had a small crisis again, over chocolate (my fave food), BFF offered me a tiny bit and i REALLY REALLY wanted it but I felt I had had already too much, I rejected it but i didn't want to reject it, first of all because it is a really nice gesture, second og all cos I really wanted it... for a while, about half an hour I was quite upset...then I calmed down , we watched some series and i had (and enjoy, as i always do) the piece of chocolate.

I donb't knoe if i'll post it in the forum cos it was much more than what w. had... :(

Well, it's a new day, oh! and luckily I dropes a couple of hundrer gramms, which makes me happy :)

Weekends are difficult for me, I tend to aet a lot....

I'm kind of envious of the girls who "can't" eat cos they are addicted to restrict, and they have to fight for eating... sometimes (often) i wish it was my case too, it would make things easier for me, but I'm ... i don't know what I am, I just know that i love eating and that's bad :(


Total amount of calories: between 500 and 600

Cravings and stuff...

I'm craving (already since almost a week) nougat bits: I'm the cereal killer XD

about yesterday...

I was a bit upset yesterday, I got a minor crisis...it was small but still a crisis... I noticed everybody eats less than I do and i felt shit, so disappointed in myslef, but the less i want to eat, the more anxious i get and end up eating more.

I watched a documentary and on one hand it had a positive influence, something i saw scared me and that would be a reason to try to recover from the ED (if i really have one!)... on the other hand, the girls bragging (or complaining) about their not eating, or 41 calories a day or one youghurt in a complete weekend made me feel like shit cos i can't. I like and enjoy eating and feel bad about it...

Also the people I know...they eat less then me and i cannot allow that! Life's a competition and i have to win it!

My biggest fear is getting fat, so the good thing of the documentary i watched yesterday was that i got to see a a chick who was very underweight and then she turned to the oppossite, after recovery she became fat... really fat! I really don't want that! I'd rather stay like this (BMI 16,9) than getting to my goal (BMI 12) if then I have to put on weight again... Maybe i'm not eating disordered, I'm just a dieter... whatever it is that i am... i just want to be thin!