fucking shit!

I'm really pissed right now... yesterday 440 calories and i haven't droped a single gram. I could kill, makes me feel like giving up!!!!! I've checked and since saturday the 25th it hasn't been a single day in which i had more than 800 claories (last saturday almost tho, i had 770), I'm so pissed, I restrict, and restrict and it's not fucking enough! It used to be much better! what's wrong????!!!!! Life's a fucking bitch!

october the 5th

BREAKFAST: Quark + Weetabix (1 piece) and cocoa... it wasn't that great, a bit to dry...i had to add a bit of coffee and ...well...not really ;P



DINNER:
a tiny slice of roll and strawberries with quark.
Dessert: Chocolate quark (40gr)






LATE SNACK:
1/3 happy hippo
Chocolate ( 1 mini ritter sport strawberry-joghurt)
1 cookie+ frozen banana (a little piece, a sixth to be precise ;))










TOTAL: about 450 (it's not too bad i think... at least i think so now....before i compare myself, lol!)

october the 4th

I was tinking not to post in a while, but someone who is really special for me told me that my blog is kin of important for her, so there i go... not proud, but i have to...it'll help me improve. I haven't photographed everything, i had like one spoon of oats, 2 spoons of cottage cheese... i mean small things on top of what i'm posting in pix, and that's what I have to stop, the "little things on top".

BREAKFAST: Blueberries + Quark


DINNER: Sushi (my favorite meal) and mousse au chocolat for dessert




SNACK: 1/2 mini kitkat, 1 cookie+ frozen banana





TOTAL AMOUNT OF CALORIES: ABOUT 500 to 600

A break?

maybe I need a break. I'm not doing good.... this blogger thing sets me under pressure... it's enough that I hate myself so much about eating... if i post it, esp. with pictures it is a reminder of how bad I'm doing things... maybe i should stop posting pix for a while...i hate myself.

october the 1st

I was really bummed yesterday and didn't feel like posting, nevertheless i took pix, so I'm posting them today:

BREAKFAST: Strawberry Quark



DINNER: Strawberry Quark
Chocolate Quark
2 Giotto
1 cookie






SNACK:
Quark (not pictured, nut it was 30gr, with vanilla powder)
Chocolate mini ritter sport + 2 pieces of "normal" size ritter sport, 14 gr.)
1/4 Milchschnitte







I had a small crisis again, over chocolate (my fave food), BFF offered me a tiny bit and i REALLY REALLY wanted it but I felt I had had already too much, I rejected it but i didn't want to reject it, first of all because it is a really nice gesture, second og all cos I really wanted it... for a while, about half an hour I was quite upset...then I calmed down , we watched some series and i had (and enjoy, as i always do) the piece of chocolate.

I donb't knoe if i'll post it in the forum cos it was much more than what w. had... :(

Well, it's a new day, oh! and luckily I dropes a couple of hundrer gramms, which makes me happy :)

Weekends are difficult for me, I tend to aet a lot....

I'm kind of envious of the girls who "can't" eat cos they are addicted to restrict, and they have to fight for eating... sometimes (often) i wish it was my case too, it would make things easier for me, but I'm ... i don't know what I am, I just know that i love eating and that's bad :(


Total amount of calories: between 500 and 600

Cravings and stuff...

I'm craving (already since almost a week) nougat bits: I'm the cereal killer XD

about yesterday...

I was a bit upset yesterday, I got a minor crisis...it was small but still a crisis... I noticed everybody eats less than I do and i felt shit, so disappointed in myslef, but the less i want to eat, the more anxious i get and end up eating more.

I watched a documentary and on one hand it had a positive influence, something i saw scared me and that would be a reason to try to recover from the ED (if i really have one!)... on the other hand, the girls bragging (or complaining) about their not eating, or 41 calories a day or one youghurt in a complete weekend made me feel like shit cos i can't. I like and enjoy eating and feel bad about it...

Also the people I know...they eat less then me and i cannot allow that! Life's a competition and i have to win it!

My biggest fear is getting fat, so the good thing of the documentary i watched yesterday was that i got to see a a chick who was very underweight and then she turned to the oppossite, after recovery she became fat... really fat! I really don't want that! I'd rather stay like this (BMI 16,9) than getting to my goal (BMI 12) if then I have to put on weight again... Maybe i'm not eating disordered, I'm just a dieter... whatever it is that i am... i just want to be thin!